Teaching Your Kids About 9/11: 4 Things to Remember

Each of us can remember where we were when 9/11 happened. I had just landed in Australia to begin performing volunteer work for my church for a period of 2 years. I was going around the neighborhood introducing myself when someone noticed my American accent and invited me in to show me what was happening on the television. As a 19-year-old kid, I couldn't process seeing the planes hit the towers, or watching the towers fall minutes later. I was speechless. All I knew was that I wanted to be home. I felt vulnerable, angry, and alone. Being the only American in my region all I wanted was to be surrounded by other Americans and to do something, anything. I finished my volunteer work and came home but the feelings I had of helplessness and not being able to experience the emotions of the American people on our own soil stayed with me. I wanted to fight and do my part. I did not want to sit on the sidelines as a spectator anymore. I soon joined the military as a result.

My kids were all born post 9/11. They have always been raised in a world of TSA checks with their dad leaving for deployment every few years. Being raised in a military family, my kids are very familiar with the American flag waving year-round and attending events on patriotic holidays to see their mom and dad speak. However, the subject of terrorism and the ugly truth of its impact on people in and out of our borders has been skated around. My kids have not seen the towers fall or the poor souls jump to their death to escape the fire. They haven't heard the 911 calls and the voicemails left by those on the planes to their loved ones. I don't think it's appropriate for some of them to experience these things yet based on their ages. But I do think it is time that we start talking to them about terrorism in our world. The need to understand how it has impacted them and will continue to impact them through their lives. Below are four techniques I used to have this hard conversation.

1. Ask them what they know

I asked my teenage daughter what she knew about 9/11. She knew that towers fell and that the pentagon was hit. She didn't know about flight 93 and the hero's on the plane who fought the hijackers. She didn't know that 9/11 was the catalyst for her dad leaving on deployments or why we have to wait in security lines at the airport. She didn't know about Osama bin Laden and his followers or organization. Finding out what she knew allowed me to develop a plan and strategy of teaching her about the wide impacts of 9/11. After talking to my daughter about what she knew, I identified what terrorism is and asked her to think about some examples she might know of. Interestingly enough, the conversation turned primarily to domestic terrorism based on her questions. Knowing what your child's knowledge of the subject is, will greatly aid in your conversations.

2. Listen

Too often I have a solid plan for how I expect the conversation to go with my kids. I'm usually right about the end state, but I've found that this discussion needs to be very fluid. My kids have a lot of questions. Their questions may be all over the place. One tough one I got was, "If Bin Laden was in Afghanistan, why were you deployed to Iraq?" That was tough to answer without going into several convoluted reasons. What I found from listening was that the real concern my kids had about terrorism was how it made their dad leave and how that anxiety was a part of their lives. My plan for a macro conversation on terrorism turned inward very quickly when I heard what my kids really wanted to know, and that was if their dad will leave again.

3. Use the right language

You cannot paint a pretty picture about terrorism, so don't try. When talking with my children, I was very blunt that terrorists will hurt me, them, and our family to achieve their goals. This included killing. I discussed some of the things I've seen people do to each other and while I didn't go into gruesome detail, I ensured my kids knew what had happened and more importantly, why. By using the appropriate and strong language, my kids have a direct understanding of the seriousness of the subject. Terrorists do not give "owies" and "boo boo's," they deliberately kill and wound as many people as possible to get their political agenda met. There is no reason to sugarcoat anything. Just make sure to use enough detail and information based on their age, and not yours.

4. Don't let them leave the conversation scared

I'm a dad. I like making my kids jump and scaring them during Halloween time. But I do not want my kids to live in fear. My conversation about terrorism with my kids always ends with what we are doing as a nation, community, and family to keep each other safe. I'm quick to point out police officers, EMTs, firefighters, and military members and show them how they are keeping us safe. My children recognize these heroes. I show my kids that living in fear is not living at all and how being proactive in emergency preparedness and planning gives us peace of mind. Being proactive has, in my experience, always been the best cure for fear.

Maybe one day soon I'll allow my kids to see the footage of 9/11. Maybe I'll allow them to hear some of the last voicemails to loved ones of flight 93. Or maybe, I'll let them search those things out when they feel ready. Either way, my children know that terrorism is serious and that 9/11 was a tragedy that still has consequences 20 years later which directly affect our family. Most importantly, my kids know that they live in a great nation and great community where safeguards and liberties are enjoyed not because there is nothing to fear, but because there is everything to be thankful for.